Ok, so I confess: I'm a planner. We planned carefully for this baby, and in the end, she taught me this lesson: you can't plan anything about babies. :)

As when pregnant with CJ, I entered the Misery phase of pregnancy somewhere near the 39th week. General angst and crankiness set in... I was just in the world's worst mood for days on end, it wouldn't let up. A dear friend said to me, "Think of it as a kind of transition. You need to mentally separate yourself from the world in order to get into a birthing place, and the first step in separation is rejection."

Wise words. :) At the peak of my trip through misery, I started having contractions that went on and on, every 5-7 minutes, for about 3 days. Problem was, they weren't lasting long enough to actually do anything other than wear me out. I called upon Natalie, my doula who is a licensed midwife, to come check me and assess the situation. Padromal labor it was - the piddly contractions were the only thing going on, no other signs of labor were there. Natalie told me that the first priority would be sleep, since I had been up for days with the contractions, and that once I was well rested, we'd have a better view of the situation - the contractions would either stop, or pick up. She also told me, "babies aren't born from misery, but from love and happiness, and once you move through the misery, she will come." I took to bed and slept the rest of the day - the contractions stopped. The indecision was killing me... I wanted it one way or the other: either labor, or not. When they stopped, I was actually happy! Natalie called that sort of contracting a "purgatory". The perfect label.

The following night, Chris and I took CJ out for Chinese food. I had a wicked craving for pot stickers, so off we went. The fortune in my cookie read, "A merry heart does good like a medicine." I took it as a sign - brought that little bit of paper home and stuck it in Merry's baby book.

The miserable mood lifted. Suddenly I started feeling really good again. Chris and I went out alone on Saturday... a trip to the software store and lunch - a geek date! :) We walked and held hands and had a good time. We also enjoyed scaring people - sales girls would ask "oh, when is your baby due?" and then they'd freak when I'd answer "tomorrow". Eyes wide and gaping jaws, they acted as if I were going to explode right then and there and shoot the baby out at them! :) Monday, the baby engaged. And how. She'd always caused a lot of low pressure for me, but this was ridiculous - I felt like she was between my knees, and she was only at -3. This was accompanied by the loss of my mucous plug, which went on all day. I couldn't help but be a bit excited, even though I knew full well it could still be a week or even two.

I suddenly became very inspired to celebrate our anniversary, early. Chris and I would have our third wedding anniversary on Thursday June 1st, but something told me to move up our celebration. Tuesday, two days overdue, we took CJ with us and went out to dinner at our favorite mexican restaurant. We had a great time at dinner, rented a movie that we never ended up watching, and came home.

Two days later, the morning of our anniversary, I woke up at 5 am with contractions. Very very different from the braxton hicks that I'd been having - low in my pelvis, long, and very "there". I actually woke in the middle of one, chanting in my head to myself "it's just an interesting sensation that's opening my cervix!!" ... kind of a joke I picked up from my friend and Bradley instructor, Ruth. These contractions went on for a good solid few hours - until I posted about it to a small list of friends.. of course, that was when they stopped cold! Doesn't it just figure? That did disappoint me, but I had a CNM appointment at 11 anyway, so I figured I'd at least find out if there had been any cervical change.

I saw Judy, the CNM, and she commented on my "glow". She said I looked worlds better than the last time she'd seen me (in the Misery phase) and that she was happy to see that. She checked my cervix: no change. Still 2cm and 80% effaced (note: Natalie says she would have never ever called that 80% - more like 20%) and anterior. She told me to schedule an appointment for Wednesday the 7th for an ultrasound and "induction talk". Aiiee... no way. Induction would be precisely the way I did NOT want to embark on my VBAC journey.

I left the CNM office and went to the grocery store. Came home, fed CJ lunch, and sat down to nurse him, saying "let's nurse and get some contractions going!" ...and that's exactly what we did!

Pretty much at the stroke of noon, contractions hit. Strong and hard, there were only about three of them before I could no longer tolerate nursing. Chris took over CJ duty while I moaned through contractions. By about 3pm, we paged Natalie and Ruth and I told Chris it was time for CJ to go (MIL was coming to get him), as I couldn't focus on the contractions with him there. I was having a hard time focusing on the contractions at all - I was on all fours leaning on the birth ball, basically bellowing and growling through the contractions. Chris was rubbing my back, all I wanted was pressure on my lower back, but ugh it felt like he was knuckling right on my spine! My SIL came and went, MIL came and went, etc etc etc. Chris was using his Bradley training to coach me and try to make sure I was relaxed, and I just howled through each contraction. It wasn't working. Nothing was working! I couldn't focus, all I could do was let the energy OUT by yelling instead of letting it work by focusing.

Ruth and Natalie showed up. Natalie got me back to the bedroom, where she checked me, and told me I was at: 3cm. I had progressed 1cm in 4 hours. I told them I was done, that's it, I'm not playing anymore. No fair no fair no fair. Natalie, bless her, knelt by the bed and talked me down, basically. Encouraged me to lie on the bed and be still and quiet, and do nothing with any of the muscles I could control, letting the one that I could not control do it's job. This would prove to be very very difficult for me, but I did it, for awhile. I would be as still as I could, but still did some writhing during contractions. Then, I did some puking during contractions. :P I'd not had much, except fluids, so this wasn't too terribly hard. I don't know how much time passed, but suddenly I felt like I'd better go to the bathroom. I made my way across the bedroom into the bathroom, and parked my butt on the potty. Natalie told me later that they'd giggled and said I looked like a drunken sailor. I was on the potty with one foot up on the tub, one on the floor. I leaned between the toilet and the wall, with my face pressed up against the wall, basically holding me up. I actually broke the toilet seat at some point! For some reason, this turned out to be just the place I needed to be. Whodathunk?

So, there I am, laboring away on the toilet. Of all times to have a horrible annoying song stuck in your head... earlier in the day, in the car, the same song was playing on 3 stations at once (heavy rotation, anyone?) and in the throes of active labor, I found myself thinking "...out that door, baby, bye bye bye!" during contractions. That's almost embarrassing to admit. ;)

Sometime (I'm guessing around 5-6 cm) I began feeling the need to bear down. Now, I only ever made it to 6cm with CJ, but I very distinctly recall the same feeling, and "secret" pushing as they were prepping me for the c/s. This time, I figured my body was doing what it needed to and I'd be better to work with it than against it. So, with each contraction, I'd "lean" into it.. bearing down, basically, pushing. It felt SO GOOD, and it really made the contractions manageable. No, I was not complete, but the urge was overwhelming and I just couldn't help it. Natalie asked if she could check me, and I made her do it while I stayed on the toilet. She tried and said my cervix was so far gone she couldn't tell anything with me in that position, and I'd need to move to the bed. I did, she checked me, and said I was at *7* cm. I actually said "you're LYING!" :D I'd made it past where I got with CJ! I was at SEVEN!! This was going much faster than expected, (3 to 7 in 2 hrs!) and hearing that was a HUGE HUGE HUGE morale boost. Back on the toilet, (hey, if it works, why change..) and I consoled myself through each contraction (I'm at 7! Almost there! Almost time for Meredith!) and continued to bear down.

Natalie and Ruth came to talk to me, trying to convince me to get up on my feet. Natalie told me later that she knew I was following what my body needed to do, but she was still concerned that my cervix would swell from pushing before being complete. She and Ruth really lobbied for me to stand up and hold the door frame for support and just swivel my hips through contractions. I argued and argued with them over this - heck, over everything ("Jenne, let me check the heartbeat" "NO! Get it off!", "Jenne, why don't you try standing up?" "NO! I CAN'T!" etc :) but eventually I did stand up. They tried to coach me through not pushing, and suggested a shower ("but you can't push in there, either!" Natalie said :) which sounded good. There was blood running down my legs, and I'd been working hard and sweating and the shower really did refresh me. I held on to the shower curtain rod, which I am AMAZED did not break, and the soap holder thing, and puuuuushed with contractions in the shower until the water ran cold. I absolutely had no control over the urge, it was entirely overwhelming.

Once the hot water was gone, I trekked back to the bed. Natalie checked me, said my cervix was like butter, that I was 8cm with a very very bulgy bag of water, which was probably causing the intense need to push. She asked if I was ready to discuss going to the hospital. She thought that if we got there, they would break the water, which, she said, had she been my midwife, she would want to do. Her thought was that it would relieve the pressure and let the baby's head create the pressure instead of the water. At some point she started sounding like Charlie Brown's teacher to me :), and I told she and Ruth to just go talk to Chris about it, I couldn't make any decisions.

I should mention here about Chris. This was so weird - all the months we took Bradley classes, all we learned about husband coaching and a birth team and such... when it came time, I didn't want ANYONE near me. I could tolerate the women, as long as they didn't touch me or talk to me, but seeing Chris would make me panic(!) What was I doing wrong? Why was he here to coach me?! I NEED COACHING?! AM I MESSING UP!? etc. So he'd come and go now and then, and I'd send Ruth to tell him I love him, but I was better able to focus if I was alone. I felt like a cat going off to a dark closet (bathroom :) to have my kitten. I just needed quiet and solitude to really turn inward, let my head go, give up control, and let labor do it's job.

So, the women went to talk to Chris, and I stayed on the bed, pushing away. They were headed back toward me with Chris, when suddenly, with a great gush and a pop, my water broke, 8:21pm. I strangled out a yell, "Naaaatalieeeeeeeeeee!! My water broke!!" and Chris, without a word, just turned around and went and put our stuff in the car. ;)

Natalie checked me. Amniotic fluid was clear, I was complete, with a tiny lip, baby's head right there. It was time to GO. I tried to get Ruth to put my bravado back on me (I dunno what I was thinking) but it didn't make it past my neck before we threw it off again. I finally decided, if we're going to the hospital, we'd better freakin go, so I stood up, and started walking toward the door, totally butt naked. :) I would have walked right out the door and to the car that way if Ruth hadn't put my nightgown back on me. (product plug: I labored AND birthed in my Sparrow's Nest purple nightgown, from our own Marti at www.nestmom.com - which coordinated nicely with my purple toenail polish, and silver toe ring. :) As I was headed for the door, a MASSIVE pushing contraction hit and nearly brought me down. I could quite clearly feel her head moving down the birth canal.

Natalie climbed in the back seat, I hugged the headrest on my knees in the passenger seat, and we sped off for the hospital, with Ruth and Kerry, my SIL, following behind us. 8:45pm. Now, we only live 4 minutes away, but it felt like FOREVER. Natalie was in the back saying "Jenne, look at my eyes. Don't push. Look at me - DON'T PUSH" I couldn't help it - I tried not to assist in the pushing but my uterus was doing a pretty darn good job. Chris cut through a parking lot to avoid a stoplight, a few more minutes and we pulled into the emergency room entrance. The three of us barreled out of the car like clowns at the circus, leaving it behind and running, for Kerry to park. I went lumbering into the er, stopping and gruuuuuuunting and pushing just as I walked in the door. There were all these people sitting there grinning at me like idiots. :) The er desk jockey insisted on getting me into a wheelchair, I got in but held myself up by the armrests because I felt like I was sitting on baby's head! She then calmly just wheeled me over to the desk.. she was going to try and admit me! Paperwork, or something. Uh, no. Ruth grabbed the back of the chair, and we ran for the elevator. "Where do you think you're going?!" desk lady demanded, and Natalie shot back over her shoulder "She is complete, +4 and pushing, we are GOING to l&d!"

Up we went. Two floors. Tick tock tick tock, I could feel the ring of fire starting. Ruth managed to speed me to the appointed room, and suddenly there were people everywhere - very very disconcerting after laboring in such solitude and privacy. I stood up, dropped my undies, and hopped up on the bed. I was so freaked out by all the people all over me, I nearly lost it... I started yelling at them instead. Heh. A nurse was prepping the belt monitor. "DON'T YOU PUT THAT THING ON ME!!" I growled. The bed was flat. "PUT THE BEDBACK UP!!" The midwife on call was the one I had NOT wanted to have. I didn't like her, she's overbearing and too medical for my tastes. Anyway, as it turned out I didn't have to deal with her for long. I yelled at her too. A nurse was pouring mineral oil over me, and the mw was doing perineal massage, and that HURT. "GET YOUR FINGERS OUT OF ME!" I yelled, and she just ignored me and kept right on at it. "Okay people, her last baby was 10lbs, 11oz, let's prepare for shoulder dystocia!" she said, as she massaged. I saw a blue cloth with scissors and clamps and stuff. Probably for the baby's cord, but you know what I thought.. "I prefer to TEAR" I said, and then slumped back on the bed and pushed with all my might.

The baby crowned. The ring of fire stings, boy, lemme tell you. One contraction, three pushes, and her head was out. God that felt good. Chris and I looked at each other and at the same time said, "The head is out!!" He saw it, I felt it, and we each told the other. :)

Linda, the midwife, then said "okay, we've got meconium". Meconium? WHAT? The water had been clear when it broke at home not a half an hour ago. Natalie thinks the stress of keeping her in when she wanted to be out (ie, not pushing her out when she wanted to be, right when I stood up to leave for the hospital) caused her to poop. Damn. This was what started the ball rolling to CJ's cesarian. "Why why why do my babies always poop before they're born?!" I wailed. Then the next contraction hit, and I pushed. Oof, I felt the shoulders move down. I pushed again - nobody counted at me! A deep breath and a big push and I felt her body just come squiggling out of me, quite possibly the most amazing feeling in the world. Meredith Madeline Sharwood Bailey was born at 9:06pm - 21 minutes from the time we left home, 8lbs 15.3oz, 20.5in long, 14in head. It took longer to get from the er up to l&d than it took her to be born.

Meredith had aspirated a good bit of meconium. I was yelling at Linda "don't cut her cord, DON'T CUT HER CORD DON'T CUT HER CORD!!" - I was thinking "they need to work on her, do it while she's attached and still supported by me, please please please" but "don't cut her cord" was all I could get out. Linda said "we don't have a choice", cut it, and they whisked the baby over to the other side of the room. Natalie and Chris went with her, Ruth stayed with me. They suctioned her deeply and got out a whole lot of meconium - her apgars were 2 8 - while I clung to Ruth and cried my eyes out, saying "I can't believe it! I can't believe I did it! I did it I did it!!" There were all these people around Meredith, and I still hadn't even SEEN her! I wanted my baby so badly, it was killing me. I had a small internal tear that took 4 stitches, but no perineal damage. Linda stitched me up while they got Merry stable.

Finally after what seemed like forever, they decided that she would be better off skin to skin with me, so they handed her over. Oh, such bliss. This hot little wrinkly girl - with very dark hair! After blue eyed blonde CJ, I was so surprised. I kissed her and stroked her and tried to get her to nurse - she was more interested in snuggling and looking around - and kissed her and kissed her and cried. :) At some time during this Chris said "I think we'll have the next one at home" (!!!!!) I asked Natalie if she'd catch our next baby, and she said yes. :) Watching Chris watch me with his little girl... the memory still chokes me up.

Chris and Natalie then made sure the nurses had a copy of Meredith's birth plan, which specified things like no eye treatment or vit k, etc. They gave us a little bit of resistance, but in the end, quite willingly just got me the waivers to sign. In the Bradley tradition, we drank our orange juice and toasted the baby's birth, as well as our third anniversary. :)

I was suddenly STARVING, dying of thirst, and looking for lip balm. :) I hadn't eaten for about 12 hours, and Natalie and Chris exchanged a guilty look. Natalie and Ruth had talked him into ordering pizza while I was in labor. :) My sweet husband - he ordered pizza from MY favorite place (Papa John's), with MY favorite toppings (ham and pineapple) that he really does not like... just in case I might have wanted some. Aw. Natalie and Ruth promised to go home and heat it up for me, and stop to pick up my traditional after birth beverage: Dr. Pepper. :) I love the stuff, and since I give up caffeine while pregnant, don't get it for 41 weeks! :)

So they left, and Chris and I got ready to move to the room I'd be staying in at the hospital. I got down off of the bed, and walked myself across the second floor to my room! I felt GREAT. I still feel great. Merry roomed in with me the entire time, and we hit it off immediately. :)

I still can't believe I did it - I have a baby girl! I had a peaceful, fast, unmedicated birth! I keep saying "I can't believe it"... I'm only just now beginning to believe that it all really happened.

-jenne, cj 8/18/97, and meredith 6/1/00, nomeds vbac!